Toilet Seats

I’ve got a slight flu.

And it’s winter in Sydney.

A flu during winter. What the fuck, man. Talk about a bad timing.

And I’ve got a 2000 words essay due on Friday. Talk about a worse timing.

A friend told me to get an assignment extension. But I don’t want to, since this essay is the last essay for the semester. So I’m just going nurse myself with doses of hot, herbal tea and bash through the assignment.

Oh, and if you’ve seen my reading list (if you even bother looking at it), you should see that I’ve added Neil Gaiman’s “Sandman”. I bought the hardcover graphic novel (collectors’ item!) from Kinokuniya a few weeks ago for less than 100 bucks. I was lucky that my friend (and future housemate) informed me that Kinokuniya was having a 20% sales on all comics, manga and graphic novels. So that weekend, on the last day of the sales, my two future housemates and I headed down to Kino and I bought the “Sandman”.

I’ve been wanting to read the “Sandman” since February, when I saw the first chapter on DC Vertigo’s website. Since then, I was hooked. I couldn’t buy it in Singapore because I didn’t have the time. I found one in Borders at Bondi Junction, but it was 200 over fucking bucks. Luckily, Kinokuniya was selling at a much cheaper rate, and with the discount, I got it for around $99.

I finished the graphic novel in two days. It was fucking awesome. ‘Nuff said.  Now I’m saving up another hundred bucks to buy the second volume.

Anyway, enough digressions. This post is about toilet seats.

That’s right, toilet seats.

Why a post on toilet seats? Well, hear me out.

Last weekend, on a Saturday, after a fruitful house inspection, my future housemate (let’s call her Housemate Uno) was hanging around in my studio. The other future housemate (Housemate Dos) went back to her studio to take a nap. Actually, HM Dos is pretty much out of the picture at this point. So we’ll concentrate on HM Uno and I.

HM Uno wanted some movies to keep herself entertained, so I showed her some movies that I had. Stuffs like Trainspotting (she kept insisting it was transporting just to irritate me), Crank, Crank: High Voltage, Chasing Amy, Requiem for a Dream and one or two other movies that I can’t remember.

(Taken from The Tizona Group)

(Taken from FirstShowing.Net)

(Taken from Geek On Film)

(Taken from Sexuality & Love in the Arts)

(Taken from Leif-ism…)

Yeah, I’m just padding this post with movie posters.

Anyway, I was burning the movies onto some blank DVDs when HM Uno told me that she needed to use my bathroom.

“Go ahead,” I told her, my eyes still glued to the screen.

I was aimlessly surfing the Internet when HM Uno spoke to me from the toilet. I live in a pretty small studio, so the toilet is just right behind my desk.

“Hey, Zareth,” she said, “when we move into a new house, we need another house rule: the toilet seats need to be down.”

“What?” I asked. I heard her the first time, but I just wanted to make sure that I heard correctly.

“The toilet seats need to be down.”

“No,” came my swift reply.

“But, why?” she asked. She was still in the toilet.

Hmmm, I needed to come with a good explanation.

“Do you know how hard it is to pee with the toilet seat narrowing the hole?” There, straightforward answer.

I actually wanted to elaborate more: like how it was not that hard to pee with the toilet seat down, just that when the flow of the pee starts decreasing, guys have to start shuffling forward to keep the stream aimed into the toilet bowl. Then when we’re shaking out the few drops trapped in our urethra, specks of urine splatter onto the toilet seats, and then girls accuse us of not aiming properly.

It’s not like we want to do territorial marking on the toilet seats. And I do find urine on toilet seats fucking disgusting. Yes, I do use the toilet seat, that’s when I’m taking a satisfying dump. But seriously, leave the toilet seat up.

Anyway, I just gave a short answer at that time because it was appropriate for the situation at that time, and I was too tired to drag out a minor argument.

“Well,” replied HM Uno, “you can lift up the toilet seat when you need to pee.”

I shot back with an overused sentence: “Well, you can put down the toilet seat if you need to use it.”

HM Uno laughed and said something along the lines about how there are two girls (her and HM Dos) in the house and so majority wins.

Fuck, sometimes I hate majority vote when I’m in the minority.

But HM Dos still have no idea about this new house rule. So I still have a chance to block this rule.

I’ll leave the toilet seat down if HM Uno and Dos pay for this:

(Taken from Dvice)

A heated toilet seat. Otherwise, once HM Uno, Dos and I move in together, it’ll be the start of the toilet seat wars.

P.S. I realized in one of my sentence, I said: ” … put down the toilet seat.” I just realized how hilarious I found this grammatically incorrect sentence is, like I’m going to euthanize a toilet seat.

1 thought on “Toilet Seats

  1. Pingback: Housemates Pee On Toilet Seats « Zareth Writes At: Blog

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