Before you start reading this post. I want you make sure that you are alone. This means that if you are at work, make sure your colleagues does not see this. More importantly, make sure your BOSS does not see this at all.If you are at school, do not let any student or teacher see this. If you are at home, close your bedroom door or bring your laptop to some secluded place. I’m serious.

 

 

I went for a paintball game with Sean and his friends on Saturday.

Sean, who was my army buddy, organized this event a month earlier and invited me along. Sean invited another army buddy along who, to use the Hokkien term, “pang seh” us because he couldn’t make it and as usual, he did not give us any reason or excuse why he couldn’t make it. 

I think he’s probably doing something really important. Something that starts with the letter “S”.

And that would be…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Surfing.

Why, you thought it was something else? Get your mind out of the gutter, you ass.

Anyway, Sean sent me an invited through Facebook (I just love that place) and of course I marked myself as  “Attending”:

 

 

 

 

 

It was originally supposed to be a week earlier but majority of the people couldn’t make it so it was pushed back to 21 Nov. Fine by me cause I had exams during that week too.

Since Heartbreak Ridge was located about an hour drive west from Sydney, Sean told me that he was going to pick me up at 6:30am.

So the night before, instead of having a good, restful sleep to prepare myself for some ass-shooting and getting shot at, I stayed up watching Korean comedy shows.

The reason for that stupid decision is because my body clock is completely out of whack by now. I usually go to bed at 5am and wake up at 1 in the afternoon. So I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t and proceeded to waste my life in front of the laptop.

By 5am, I was sleepy but decided against taking a nap cause I know I would sleep through my alarm and will only wake at 1 or 2 in the afternoon, and so missing the paintball game (and wasting $70).

So I made breakfast, took a cold shower to stay awake, packed my stuff and by 6:15am, went out to meet Sean at the designated bus stop.

Sean came along with his friends, four in the first car and three in the second car. I was the fourth guy in the second car. So after introducing myself to Sean’s friends, one who was called Sean too and another was Jackson, we joined the early morning traffic to Heartbreak Ridge. On the way, we made a short detour to Happy Jacks for some breakfast.

I would like to tell you about the beautiful countryside and parks and blah blah blah but I can’t because I slept on the way to the paintball place. I was quite exhausted by then and I haven’t even started playing paintball.

I was rudely awaken by very, very bright sunlight and the irritating crunch of gravel. We had reached Heartbreak Ridge.

By then the temperature was hovering near 28 degrees Celsius. It was getting hot even though it was only 7:30am.

The four of us changed in the open air car park. Coincidentally, Sean, Jackson and I wore our white Air Force shirt while Sean the Organizer (the army buddy) wore a brown Army shirt with Air Force shorts.

So after giving an impromptu stripshow in the public, we made our way to the “Mess Hall” to sign the waiver form and get our equipment and gear.

The place was packed with people looking forward to a game of paintball. We joined the queue and after about half an hour of waiting, handed in our waiver forms and got our overalls, webbings and ammo.

I only got the overalls. I didn’t get any webbings and ammo because we would had to pay $20 extra and at that moment, I left my wallet in the car and couldn’t be bothered to walk back to the carpark under the hot sun. So I decided to forgo the webbings and ammo.

BIG MISTAKE.

Why? Cause without any spare ammo, every time I ran of ammo, I was stuck in the middle of a battlefield with no chance of reloading my rifle and ended up being a sitting duck. Next time, I’ll get webbings and ammo.

So after the staff made sure everyone got their overalls, webbings and ammo, we were given a short pep talk on how to operate a paintball gun, the rules and regulations of paintball games and other important stuff.

As usual, I wasn’t paying attention. I only paid attention to the paintball gun part.

After the short pep talk, a staff got my group (which consisted of about 15 people and shall be call Group 1) and another group (which consisted of 5 other people and shall be call Group 2) and told us to gather near a tank.

Yep, they have a tank too. Very boring. 2 years in Singapore National Service does that to you.

We collected our face goggles. It was this part where we were divided into teams based on the colour of our face googles. There were two colours: black and green. I was on the green team while Sean the Organizer  aka The Army Buddy was on the black team. Crap, and we both wanted to be on the same team. Oh well, at least I get to shoot his ass.

Hell, in fact everyone in our group wanted to shoot the shit out of Sean the Organizer.

So after donning our goggles, our group (Group 1) poised in front of the tank as a memento.

I’m still waiting for Sean the Organizer to scan and send me the picture. I quite like the photo, especially my stupid, smirking face.

Anyway, we gathered around near the entrance of paintball area. The guy (we shall call him Screaming Referee) and the boy (we shall call him Screaming Boy) who were leading our group checked our goggles and webbings to ensure they were securely fastened.

The reason why they were screaming because of two reasons:

1) To get our attention as we were constantly talking among ourselves.

2) To get their voices heard over hundred other people voices.

So we went into the paintball area, collected our guns, took some potshots at some targets to test our guns. I must say, I love the sound and recoil of the paintball gun. After that, both groups gathered around Screaming Referee and Screaming Boy before heading to the first paintball competition area.

Another thing to point out, because Sean the Organizer, was, well the organizer of our group, he got to take the cool automatic machine gun. So by just holding on to the trigger, he could unleash a hail of bullets constantly. The rest of us got pitiful, semi-automatic rifles. But I digress.

We were given the rules and the duration of the game before heading off to our respective bases. Since our teams were based on the colour of our face goggles, my green team had a mixture of people from Group 1 and 2. We didn’t formulate any strategies so when Screaming Referee blew his whistle, we all ran helter-skelter and hid behind large balloons that served as barricades and protection.

I’ve always heard from other people that getting shot by paintball bullets hurt like hell.

I got shot in the face, twice.

It didn’t hurt since the goggles protected me but I could feel the force of the exploding pellets. But I then realized that to get shot in the chest, arms or legs hurt.

A LOT. A fucking lot.

We played four rounds before taking a 15 minutes break. After that, we continued for another 4 rounds before ending our paintball games for the day.

I know I’m blabbing a lot here, so I just show you the pictures of my wounds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

First casualty. Sore eye. By the end of the first four rounds, my left eye was completely red. The constant scratching of the googles against my eyes and the sweat from my face irritated my left eye. What worse is that I was wearing contacts, so after 8 rounds of paintball games, I was left with a very, very red left eye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the most painful shot I’ve taken. It happened during the 6th round of paintball games. We were in this makeshift cemetery that consisted mostly of tombstone. Sean the Organizer told me that this was one of the harder rounds and he was right. When you’re stuck behind of tombstone with five people shooting at you, sometimes you feel like you are in the game Left 4 Dead, except the people attacking you are not zombies but people with paintball guns shooting the shit out of you.

How I got the bruise on my shoulder was quite epic. My team was winning and the black team only had a few members left, so we were trying to take out the survivors. I was at left end of the field when I saw this guy hiding behind a tombstone at the right end. So trying to act heroic, I rushed towards the other end and hid behind a tombstone. I planned to take the guy by surprise so counting to 3, I jumped out from the tombstone and started firing a hail of bullets

Unfortunately, he saw me jumping from the tombstone and returned fire.

We spent the next 10 seconds raining bullets at each other cowboy style. By some weird luck, neither of us was hit and we continued to dance around and shoot each other.

Then it happened.

I got the first bullet in my shoulder. Because I was standing so close to him, the impact of bullet against me was so strong that I actually staggered backwards.

I felt searing pain.

Then I took another bullet in the chest.

More pain.

Finally I got another in the stomach.

Damn it, will this guy not stop?

Defeated, I raised my gun to indicate I had been shot. Fortunately, the guy saw my signal and stopped shooting at me.

I still have the bruise on my shoulder. FML.

You can see there’s another bruise on my chest. I don’t remember how I got that bruise but all I know that I was always shot in the chest. I don’t know why people like to shoot me in the chest, it’s not like I have some advertising logo like this guy:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remembered I was standing at my base waiting for someone to be ‘injured’ so I could go back into the game when I took a bullet right in the chest bone. Apparently some asshole thought I would make a nice, easy target. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t remember how I got this bruise. But notice how close it is to my nipple. If that person had aimed a few inches higher and to the right, I’ll probably lose a nipple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another bruise on right side. Getting shot in the stomach is one of my favourite past time. I got this during the last round of paintball games. I was hiding behind some oil wells when this guy tried to take a shot at me. We exchange some shots until I got hit in the stomach. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leg shot. Got this during the cemetery game. When I was running towards a tombstone for cover, I got shot in the leg. It hurts a lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mud/paint splattered shoes.

So after the final round of the “free-for-all” game (I didn’t join in, its too fucking painful) where Sean the Organizer was shot a hundred times from five sides, we went back to the mess hall for lunch.

We had to wait for about an hour and half for the pizzas cause they only arrived at 1pm. So majority of our group decided to leave and went to Ashfield for lunch. Sean the Organizer, Sean, Jackson, Weslan and I decided to stay put to get our pizzas. After all, the pizzas were part of the package.

We did not have anything to do so we spent an hour or more entertaining ourselves by picking up gravel and throwing it into empty bottles or boxes and basically just stoning in the heat wave.

Lunch came at 1pm and I was extremely hungry since my last meal was my 5am breakfast. Boxes and boxes of pizzas came and we all got one each. I can’t remember what pizzas I had but mine had a lot of green peppers and veggies.

I was in pizza heaven.

Since quite a few people left before taking their pizzas, we took the leftovers and I got a box of pepperoni pizza. At last, dinner solved! I don’t have to make dinner. After almost seven hours under the hot sun, I don’t think I would have any energy to cook dinner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm, pepperoni pizza for dinner. Just for me.

 

 

 

 

Finally, the last shot:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are now looking at my…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

… butt cheek.

That is why I warned you to make sure you are completely alone when you are reading this.

You see that red, angry welt on my butt? Well, there’s a story of how I got that. I said earlier that during the last round of paintball games, I was hiding behind some oil wells and got shot in the stomach. After I got shot, I stood up and raise up my rifle in the air, indicating that I was shot and I was leaving the game.

However, that asshole decided that his itchy finger did not have enough and shot me in the ass when I was walking away. It hurt the shit out of me. I almost wanted to turn around and decorate his family jewels with bruise and blood. That guy was lucky I didn’t do it.

If that bruise was a few inches below, I don’t think I can shit or seat for the next three days.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I dropped a lot of subtle hints by using the words ass, shit, and crap.